Dunno if everyone goes through this phase at some point, or maybe it's just me being a crackpot. But sometimes there seems to be this such an utter lack of decision around that so many times things seem surreal. You seem to be in conflict with your own self at times. You don't know as to what 'you want at the end' and 'what do you need to get that' and worst, do you really need that or something else?
It's more of that severe internal conflict. If you are doing something, to what avail?...if you want something then why?....you wanna be with friends, at every moment, u hate that empty room with those stupid blank walls staring at you, that dumb monitor screen on the Gtalk screen of which you constantly search for some friend who would be vella to maro bhaat .But when u r with those very friends then you just want to be with them rather then talk talk and talk. The problem is after some time, those friends too get tired .
You don't want to lose things, but you don't have any incentive that you can offer to keep them. Then you think maybe i'd try buying new things but you realise you don't have anything to buy them.
Lastly and most importantly you think that Life is a Bitch. There are moments when you want to change things our way, be at places you can't be, want the stuff you can never get, be with people you can never meet. You forget that somethings are just impossible, and keep hitting that stupid wall called 'impossible' again and again and again. But, to no avail. In the end you get tired. You rue your mistakes, get obsessed with that wall and keep trying till that wall breaks you. But in between you also know that there is an alternate way, a way around the wall. But why can't you go through that aternate route?, simple reason, you want only that way, it's your ego thats guiding you.
And Weiredly, there are equivalently random moments in between too, when you actually get out of that dark mode. When you realise, man, I'm any day better than those thousands of other losers. You love that life of yours you have created, you love those friends of yours and look down upon those thousands of other losers.
And you keep going. Looking for those single girls and still ruing as to why they don't notice you, for that 'free for dinner?' friend. Be inwardly happy, thinking how lucky after all you are. Planning for some random instances of life.
Until one fine day, when you start thinking that even though I am better than those thousands others, still I am a loser.
Happy Diwali :)
